Monday, April 18, 2016

The Ego Trip: A journey of self will run riot.

The Ego Trip:

So I want to share this with y’all because well; if you are in the same place I was you maybe able to gain some hope or learn from my experience.

As you may or most likely, may not know, I own a hot sauce company. NW Elixirs is the name of the brand and it is an amazing product. From the packaging to the content, my sauces are award winning, I can say that because I have the trophies. Funny that I’d start this post with that statement. The Ego Trip was born just about July, 2015. I had recently been shown on the Food Network Show; “Chopped.” It was an amazing experience that took me and my ego for one hell of a ride. Immediately I was if anything else consumed with my instant “fame” although the fame part was short lived it was enough to get NW Elixirs off and running, with the company showing signs of success I made the decision to go after it full time. You’re right, sounds like the logical choice to make, however you are probably not on the Ego Trip.

While going full time into the hot sauce and rolling in the PO’s (purchase orders) and online inquiries it seemed like the perfect storm to get NW Elixirs into the next level of success, however, I was already in the driver seat, I was already full throttle on the gas and in “control” of the “Ego Trip” this was the perfect opportunity for me to rest on my laurels and let the company cruise. That thinking helped me to sit back and go to neutral, all the work I had been doing, the endless nights, the sleepless mornings, the pepper coughs. Those days were behind me, I was on top. And the the trip was in full swing. I let the reins go and sat back to watch my hard work start to fall apart. All the effort was gone because I was in the driver seat fully consumed by the trip.

By October, 2015 the company was still in full swing and making money, I was paying my bills, I was going on dates, I was playing rugby, I was spending time with family, I was saving money, it was all coming together. The holidays rolled in and as it is with most small businesses the cash flow went slow, the company needed cash and fast, so I pulled some of my savings and put my paycheck on hold, because that is what a responsible CEO would do. I knew the money would come back in after the holidays and I’d get paid back and be back into the driver’s seat. Well turns out that it took longer than I assumed for the company to pay me back, however I still stayed full throttle, I still stayed in the trip, I kept the appearances. I never asked for help or shared with anyone what was really going on. I kept the appearances, because I knew it would all be okay. I was right, the money came back, and even though I was a little behind on my mortgage, electricity, water, cable, phone, and anything else that wasn’t “fun” I made an effort to make everyone whole again. And I did. I saw a bit of the problem coming in February and made some choices ON MY OWN to help get the company back into production. Again with a loan, emptied my savings, and put the company first. However it turned out that if you just throw money at something but fail to actually “work” at achieving your goals, it doesn’t really help. Everyone tells you when you start it will be hard, it will be stressful, and you're going to have to work your ass off to make it to the top. The problem with knowing all that information? I felt I had paid my dues, I had done the hard work, and I had earned the reward. I could not have been more wrong.

By March of 2016, I was loosing a grip, I was losing the ability to hold off the creditors, I had started driving for Lyft and Uber, because, “I just do it to make some extra cash.” At Least that is what I convinced myself of. I was sure that this would be the solution to keep my appearance up. I was sure that by making $500 a week I would be able to survive. I was wrong. I was so so so wrong. But I was so convinced that everything would come around, the consulting job I had been offered was coming around the corner, the hot sauce company would pay me back and I’d be able to make everything work out just fine. I was so caught up in the act, in the fear, the insecurity of others knowing exactly what was happening. I kept up the appearances and left everyone in the dark, I didn’t look for work because the consulting was going to be here in no time. I was afraid to tell my partner what was happening because I thought she wouldn’t love me anymore, I was afraid to tell my investors because I would be a failure, I didn’t tell my friends, family, trusted advisors. I kept it all in. I was convinced I would be able to fix everything and no one would know the wiser. I was so wrapped in fear of losing face that I stopped working to achieve my goals, I wanted to be the cool guy, the guy that had it all. I was so insecure about what you may think of me that I fell into a little black hole. Yep, the truth hurts, the truth sucks. But you know what? Had I been truthful, had I asked for help, I wouldn’t feel the anxiety and distance I feel right now.

However… There is hope, there is an answer, there is an opportunity to learn from my mistakes. I finally couldn’t hold the appearances, I was bursting at the seems and I had to come clean about where I really was in life. I had to tell my partner I had mislead her, I had misrepresented where I was and that I was in a really bad spot. I had to share with my friends that I was struggling. I had to take responsibility for my actions. I had crashed, I took control of the trip and crashed and burned. All because of fear and insecurity. As I write this, I feel a sense of emptiness, and churning in my stomach and a fear of change I’m anxious, I’m overwhelmed, and I am thinking too much about the future. But you know what? I have the two choices, roll over and give in, or pull my boots up and get to work. Get back into action and get back into the saddle again. Y’all know me and who I am as a person, the decision is easy. However the wreckage is not. The wreckage is deep, the wounds are fresh and it is not going to be an easy road. I may lose my house, it’s close to foreclosure, I not find work when I want it.  But I refuse to just give up, throw in the towel or let my mistakes run my life. I can only let my actions speak for me, I can’t just say, “yeah, it’s all going to workout.” It’s going to take work, it’s going to take time, the work part is easy, I’m pretty good at that. The time part is hard, the fact I’ve hurt people I truly deeply love is the hardest.

I’ve had two interviews with a really cool job opportunity, I’ve filled out the paperwork to potentially save my house from foreclosure and I start a job on Wednesday. I have work for the weekend and should know if I have gotten the job I am working towards. There is hope in proactive work. But it takes time and patience, nothing can happen at my speed, I’m not in control, I can not force the situations, I can only show up and be a part of my own life. I was reminded of this over the weekend. I was fortunate enough to be a part of a celebration of life for a man who played a crucial role in my most impressionable years, as I listened to those who loved Jordan most talk about the man he is, how much he loved, how much he gave, how no matter what time of day he was always there. He never quit caring about those around him, he always worked hard, and people were inspired by his actions. His actions spoke so much louder than his words, and that was made very clear by those who shared their stories and memories. Jordan will be missed but always live within me.

It’s time to go to work, it’s time to take action, no more bullshit. There it is. There I am, raw and wounded. I am good man, with flaws, I’ve made mistakes; today I choose to stand up and take charge of my destiny. I will love deeply, I will show up for my family, I will be an inspiration to my peers. I will achieve my goals and I will be successful. I hope this has been a good read for you and that you can learn from my mistakes. Never close out the people who you love the most, and never hide yourself be real even when it’s the worst you think it can be. Be honest and true to yourself, don’t hide from reality. You are perfect the way you are and if people can’t handle you at your worst they don’t deserve you at your best. Be you, work hard, achieve your goals.

I love y’all so very much.

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