Food: A tool for unification, connection, and peace.

I have always been a huge fan of people, I am an extrovert in every sense of the word, I love talking to strangers, being the center of attention, and bringing people together. I also love love love food! So where does extrovert meet food? For me it meets about 9 times a year.

There is truly something special about breaking bread with your neighbor, a stranger, your love, your family, friends, and even the enemy. There is one specific point in history where food literally brought war to a halt. Food brought a war to a halt. That is a powerful reality.  In December of 1914 soldiers who had for months been fighting one of the most gruesome battles of the war, stopped fighting to share food. Here is a video reenactment of the infamous day. (https://youtu.be/NWF2JBb1bvM)

Food has been a catalyst in so many of my fondest memories, it is the centerpiece of my favorite book, “Like Water for Chocolate.” Food is life, food is friendship, food is love, and food is nutrition. I was fortunate enough to host the second annual pre-Memorial Day BBQ Kickoff this past Saturday, I share that because I am very fortunate to have a wide network of people whom I truly appreciate in my life. There are my rugby brothers and sisters, my family, the food and beverage team, baseball players, writers, designers, architects, engineers, social workers, teachers, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters. All of under 3 tents in a small backyard getting to know someone we previously had never met, sharing stories, connecting on personal levels, smiling, laughing, hugging, high fiving, and communicating one person to another. It was beautiful. This was FOOD’s handy work.

One thing I feel we have lost over the last 10 years as American’s,  is the tradition of sharing a meal, we have forgotten what it is like to share hand torn bread with a stranger. It’s easier to post a picture of that amazing meal you’ve prepared than to offer your neighbor a bite. Social media has allowed us to only share or brag about what we have.  And maybe that is just my view, but when was the last time you had more than 4 strangers at your table? When was the last time you broke bread with a family that didn’t speak english? It is uncomfortable, it’s tough. But it’s also rewarding, heartwarming, and unforgettable. I want to challenge you to get outside yourself, prove me wrong, show me how you interact within your communities.

I’ve stated where I see a problem, so how do we challenge ourselves to find a solution? My short answer? Throw a party and invite your friends to bring friends you’ve never met before, prepare that go to dish your friends rave about and make enough for everyone to get at least a little nibble but leave them wanting more.

Two of my favorite memories about sharing food with strangers.

1. I believe it was either Memorial Day or 4th of July in 2001 maybe. I was stationed in Vilseck, DE as a member of Bravo Company 2/63 Armor, we had a sweet little outdoor patio and grill, I had bought a bunch of flank steak and chicken, two of my battle buddies brought the brats and beer. We invited a handful of new to the unit soldiers, I grilled, we talked we learned about our new soldiers who would ultimately become some of my closest friends. Those men went to battle me they would’ve given the same sacrifice for me as I would for them. And to this day that offer still stands. Food made that happen, being just a little uncomfortable and willing to break bread with a stranger.

2.) It was the winter of 2002, B Co. 2/63 Armor was on our second deployment to the Balkans stationed at Camp Bondsteel Kosovo. Our mission while there was to help keep the peace under the U.N. Flag, we did lots of walking throughout the country and for the most part the families in these communities were timid and often really didn’t want us there, although we were there to help, who in the world wants to be told they need outside help? I surely don’t. On one of our daily security details around the the city of Urosevac. While we were on patrol I could smell the glorious aroma of grilling meat, as we continued around our patrol we came across a gathering of locals playing soccer and grilling whole goats, with the permission of our leaders we stopped and unloaded our battle load packs, we played soccer and I was offered my first taste of “Goat.” To say the experience was spiritual is a fucking understatement. The joy in the eyes of the kids we were playing soccer with, the smell of freshly grilled goat, the caramelized flesh, rubbed with salt and spices, the laughter and joy in all of us. With very little opportunity to communicate verbally, we still found common ground in food and sport, in smiles and handshakes. Those men, women, and children did more for me in that 45 minutes then they may ever comprehend, they taught me about the power of a smile, the vitality of food, and what the meaning of kindness truly is; it’s playing a game with men you don’t know, it’s sharing what small amount of food you have with soldiers you fear, it is the act of breaking bread.

These stories will always remain with me no matter where I go or how I get there. They are a part of me, they are a part of who I am fundamentally. I want to share these experiences with you so that you can share your experiences with me. Please take a minute and leave a reply to this with a story of how food brought you closer to a stranger, let’s work towards the solution, let's get on the same page and break bread.

A special thank you to the men of Bravo Company 2/63 Armor, the family whom shared their feast, my grandmothers, mom, dad, uncles, aunts, Lisa for giving me the title to this post, and all the fine people who came out last Saturday to the BBQ Season Kickoff! Y’all are fantastic humans. I am truly grateful to have you all in my life thank you.

Recipes: At least 3 of them

So a week ago I told you that I would surely start posting some recipes, this is the first installment of such recipes.

When I started the whole eat healthy home cooked meals I had only intended to help my wallet and my waistline in one fell swoop. It worked. I started shopping with a list of ingredients that would serve as breakfast, lunch, dinner over the next 7 days. I think the biggest thing for me was creating a plan, as one of my favorite American generals once said;

“A good plan executed violently now, is better than a perfect plan next week.”-----General George S. Patton Jr.

You can take out the violently part here since it’s most likely not the best approach to grocery shopping. Although an all battle royale grocery shopping game show is something I would likely enjoy. None the less, let us get back to situation at hand. A good plan, so what I do is search through some of my cookbooks old recipes from restaurants past and put together a few simple ideas that will help me eat affordably and healthy throughout the week. So receipes I seek are the ones that have bulk potential, stews, soups, braised meats, chili, roasted or slow cooked proteins. Cooking something that can be transformed into multiple dishes is the key. For instance, if you roast a whole chicken you get 2 breasts, 2 thighs, 2 legs, and couple wings, how does that transition into multiple meals? The chicken breasts are two lunches reheated later with some fresh veggies, the thighs can be a dinner with some quinoa, or pulled apart and used in tacos.

Make a plan, execute your plan, look for inspiration in books, online, magazines, and then create your own cooking experience. The one thing that has stuck in my head with no exceptions is this: A recipe is simply a guide to your own culinary adventure. You don’t have to take a recipe word for word. Enjoy the process, enjoy the journey, and get yourself into the kitchen and have fun.

The three recipes below will feed you for a week. If you have any questions or comments please share them and let me know how you are enjoying your cooking experience.

All the best and happy cooking.

NW Elixirs GrassFed Beef Chili

This recipe will make enough Chili for you to enjoy for 2-3 days depending on how many people you are cooking for. The recipe was just something I put together while on this eating clean journey I started about a three weeks ago.

16 oz. Ground GrassFed Beef

1 Tbsp Olive oil

8 oz. Yellow Onions, julienne

2 oz.Jalapeno, split and sliced thin

8 oz.Cremini Mushrooms, sliced thin

1 10 oz, can Diced Tomatoes

1 8 oz can Kidney Beans

6 oz. Red Bell Pepper, diced

6 oz. Celery, sliced thin

2 tsp Cinnamon, ground

1 tsp Cloves, ground

2 Tbsp Salt

1 Quart Bison Bone Broth (in the nutrition section of your local grocery store)

2 Fl. Oz. Buffalo Trace Whiskey

2 Tbsp Jubal’s 92.5 Hott Sauce

Instructions:

1. Heat oil in medium sauce pan.
2. Add ground beef, cook until browned then add spices stir to combine and remove from pan; set aside for later.
3. Add onions, cook until slightly borwn.
4. Add remaining mushrooms, and stir to combine with onions and cook slightly.
5. When the little brown bits start adding up on the bottom of the pan, deglaze with whiskey and stir until whiskey has completely reduced.
6. Add remaining vegetables and stir to combine. Allow to cook together for 5 minutes.
7. Add tomatoes and kidney beans, again stir to combine and cook for about 2 minutes.
8. Add the Bison Broth and bring to a boil, reduce to a simmer and allow to simmer for 15-20 minutes.
9. Turn off heat, and serve over your choice of quinoa, rice, potatoes, yams, or whatever starch you’d like. You can also just eat this beautiful creation on its own as a soup.
10. And don’t forget to top each bowl of goodness with Jubal’s 92.5 Hott Sauce created by NW Elixirs.

Braised Brussel Sprouts w/Bacon

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Ingredients:

2lbs of Brussels sprouts (cut in half)

oz.  Good Bacon (cut into ½” lardons)

oz.  White wine

2Tbs NW Elixirs #3 Hott Smoke

alt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

In large sauté pan render fat from bacon once bacon is browned nicely, add sprouts and get a nice golden brown color on the outer leaves. Deglaze pan with white wine and season with salt and pepper, add #3 Hott Smoke. Place into a roasting pan, roast uncovered for 8 minutes or until tender. Allow to cool in pan.

NW Elixirs Hott Quinoa

Ingredients

1 cup uncooked quinoa (any variety — white or golden, red, or black)

Olive oil, optional

2 cups water or broth

1/2 teaspoon salt

3 Tbsp Jubal's 92.5 Hott Sauce

Tools

Fine-mesh strainer

2-quart saucepan with lid

Spoon

Instructions

1. Rinse the quinoa: Measure 1 cup of quinoa and place into a fine-mesh strainer. Rinse thoroughly with cool water for about 2 minutes. Rub and swish the quinoa with your hand while rinsing. Drain.
2. Toast quinoa in saucepan (optional): Heat a drizzle of olive oil in the saucepan over medium-high heat, and add the drained quinoa. Cook, stirring, for about 1 minute to let the water evaporate and toast the quinoa.
3. Add liquid, Jubal's 92.5 Hott sauce, and bring to a boil: Stir in 2 cups of water or broth and the salt. Bring to a rolling boil.
4. Lower heat and cook, covered, for 15 minutes. Turn heat down to the lowest setting. Cover and cook for 15 minutes.
5. Let stand, covered, for 5 minutes: Remove the pot from heat and let stand for 5 more minutes, covered. Don't peek!
6. Fluff and eat! Remove the lid — You should see tiny spirals (the germ) separating from and curling around the quinoa seeds. Fluff the quinoa gently with a fork, and serve.  If any liquid remains in the bottom of the pan or if the quinoa is still a bit crunchy, return the pot to low heat and cook, covered, for another 5 minutes, until all the water has been absorbed.

Eating isn't easy: But it should be

Eating isn’t easy: But it should be

So if you’ve been following me on the Facebook or Instagram I’m sorry for all the hash tag clean eating photos. Well I’m not actually sorry; I hope you have found some ideas to cook at home as well.

So I started this eating home cooked meals thing because well; I am on a very thin budget and my love for restaurants and bakeries had to take a backseat for a little while. As I started this journey I figured I’d share my photos and try to write more recipes for them as well. So that’s the backstory of where all the #eatclean posts came from. Now for the stuff you’ll want to argue with me about.

Recently I have had the opportunity to work with my hands on a local farm with a family I know and respect. The trip to the farm is short and sweet, it’s a brisk 13 miles from my front door about a 15 minute drive. Why is that important? Because I live in a place where that kind of fresh food is available just 15 minutes away. Quite often these fine folks are at farmer’s markets just down the street from my house. I realize that is not the case in many cities throughout the United States, in fact there are places in America that people are starving and have no idea what farm fresh spinach looks like. To me that’s a big problem, that is insane! How can we live in what people argue to be the “greatest country” in the world yet we have neighbors, friends, family, and community members that are starving? In order for me to really elaborate on this point we have to look to our American History, luckily we don’t have to travel to far back to find some points of interest. Let’s start in the 1930’s, an era of American History often remembered for the “Great Depression,” a time in America where the unemployment rate hit its high at 23% in 1932, in the following years leading to up to America’s participation in World War II the very disputable number of deaths related to famine were 7 million Americans. Yes this is a staggering number. But compare it to an even more staggering number, 90 million Americans in 2016 are obese. Now this is as a much an opposite argument as I can come up with. Now this doesn’t mean that 90 million people are dying from starvation or even suffering from that. But what it means is there is a severe breakdown in our food system.  It is easily arguable that more than 7 million Americans are dying from food annually.

So how did we get here? How is it that we still have food insecure Americans alongside severely obese Americans? In my humble opinion it comes down to how we are eating and the food that is available to those Americans that are suffering through poverty. Did you know that in America we produced almost 719 trillion calories per day? That is a huge number of calories. Shit, okay back on track what’s my point? Come on Andrew get to it already…

So what it comes back to for me is how we educate and how we provide for one another, yes I know I am starting to sound like a dirty socialist, take care of our neighbors, live happily together share your food with a starving child. I know I am the worst. If you seriously think that taking care of our communities is a crazy thought you should really consider that statement. Nonetheless, in today’s America you can buy 2 “Big Macs” for $5. TWO BIG MACs for FIVE DOLLARS! But in the same day you can not buy 2 “organic” apples for that price. That is insane. What does that say about the fast food we are consuming? What does that mean to the community members that need help the most? It means you won’t starve but you will get sick, if you have a diet of what is “affordable” then odds are you may find yourself in an obese state of living. Fast food is full of crap that ruins our bodies, that negatively affects our mental state of being. I’m not saying that all our problems in society lead back to food, but come on let’s at least look at it. Let us imagine a society where we all have access to fresh food, we all know how to prepare that fresh food, and there is enough for everyone to eat it. The cost of health care would drop, our kids would know what fresh spinach tastes like, and our farms would be bolstered with increased funding to make even better options available.

Now, I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to eating shit food. But I had to make a change to my diet based on not only my income but also my health and weight concerns. In just over 21 days of eating home cooked meals, I saved $175.00 and lost 20 pounds. Yes I am lucky, I am armed with the knowledge of cooking, I grew up on a farm where all we had was home cooked from the garden, caught from the creek, and hunted in the woods. I don’t subscribe to any specific diet, I’m not a paleo eater, nor do I believe in the “organic” stamp. I do believe in education, nutrition for everyone, and sharing fresh food. I do believe that we can become a healthier society if we educate our community members on how to cook that beautiful fresh spinach, I do believe if given the opportunity to cook at home society would fall in love with food all over again. Each year I grow my own garden, this year I’ve taken it to the next level, instead of a giant green lawn I’ve added a big raised bed for fresh vegetables, I’ll pickle my own okra, I’ll make my own tomato sauce and can it, I’ll share the excess produce with my neighbors. I am committed to being an example of what we can do together. So I’ll continue to share my recipes, my food adventures, and my ramblings of why the organic stamp is a sham.

If you made it this far; thank you. You’re beautiful, you’re wonderful just the way you are. If you want some suggestions on how to cook something shoot me an email. I love y’all just the way you are. Thank you for reading. All the best and happy cooking.

Wins and Losses

Wins AND Loses:

All so often I find myself talking to friends family and strangers about the victories in life. Whether through social media outlets and the thousand friends I have there, or in person at a demo talking to strangers; the path of least resistance is the chosen path for most. It makes total sense, who wants to talk about the times where shit hit the fan? Who really wants to get into the times that the world didn’t go their way? I generally don’t like to share those moments, it’s not fun nor glamorous. However those moments have happened, they’ve shaped our choices, our paths, our experience. In order for wins to exist there must also be losses.

I am an athlete at heart, I love sports, I have had the opportunity to play them at high levels. I have love for the games, so for me looking at situations as “wins and losses” is so much easier. I hope it all makes sense to you as well. Things you should know; this is not a sad poor me post, this should serve as an opportunity to celebrate the losses that have given you the courage to achieve the wins.

For me life has been relatively easy. I know that sounds arrogant, it’s not, it’s true. Yes my parents divorced when I was 6 and yes that was hard at times to go back and forth, to not know one side of the street and then to disconnect from the other. Not understanding why. Bare in mind my parents love me unconditionally, and I rarely went without. Yes I was on financial scholarship for sports, I had to have a summer job to pay for the gear that I wanted for the next season, which meant I’d miss summer baseball with my friends who didn’t have to work. I was learning the value of work, the value of being able to purchase something on my own. The responsibility to my family. It wasn’t easy but believe me there folks out there that have had to work a lot harder in much more difficult situations. For part of my youth I was the chubby kid, I wore “huskie jeans” and felt misplaced. The place I found myself was through sports; again this will sound arrogant and you may not like me anymore but I was naturally better than my peers, I didn’t have to work at sports, I could wake up and go be good enough to get picked for teams in the top 5 every time, I don’t know what it’s like to get picked last. Sports were my great equalizer, they were my path to acceptance. I continued those achievements in sports, I became the captain of the football team, the baseball team leader, the rugby team captain, and any group project I was offered the leadership role. The thing that set me apart? I have no idea, I was just me being me, you’d have to ask my teammates, coaches and friends what made me different.

Okay, So there’s the background music. Now to talk about the losses, and the victories thereafter. Because we ALL experience them in some way or another, I thought I would share some of mine. Now keep in mind I am just over 8 years clean and sober, so some of my dialog may have that 12 step tone.

I have had more than 30 full time or Part time jobs in my life. I’ve been fired from 0. I’ve left on my own terms with no less than two weeks 28 times. I’ve walked out 1 time and had a mutually agreeable resignation 1 time. I’ve probably applied for over 400 jobs, I’ve been told I was over qualified, under qualified, too slow, too fast, too dirty, too loud. I have worked for free weeks at a time just to earn a spot. Working in Sonoma County and San Francisco in the early 2000’s was a tough game, someone was always chasing you, and you were always chasing someone. Your best cooking buddy would throw you under the bus the first time he could if it meant moving up. I did the same. It was very cut throat, it was very tiring, it was exhausting, it was brutal. I’ve gone weeks without a job while moving to Portland, and when my last hope was shot I threw up one more resume to a craigslist add that turned into a job. I quit cooking worked at Starbucks and fumigated grain ships, because I was going to go back to school. I never started school because it wasn’t easy. I wound up taking an executive chef job I had applied for almost 6 months earlier that turned into an amazing experience. I was hired while the current chef was still there, he caught wind and quit on my first night. I was thrown in the fire. The staff quit and I had to hire a team of my own. During my 3 year stint there I worked with some of the most amazing and talented cooks, servers, bartenders, bussers, prep cooks, dishwashers, and managers any chef could imagine, I was published in magazines and I was a part of the cool crowd. Then the point came where I finally had enough of the crazy nights and inconsistent ownership. I wanted a change, so I took action to make a change. The loss 3 years ago that was not getting into school became a victory. I started a hot sauce company with $25,000 of investment and a 50/50 partner. After 1 year he moved to China. I was left to run a business, go to school full time, and work part time. It was insane! I would work my ass off, I didn’t have days off, I was committed to creating a hot sauce that would change the industry. I had projections, I had a budget, I had the personality. Let me tell you, you can have all the right stuff, but a consumer product goods company is not easy to start or run. For every store that accepted my sauces 2 said no, I spent hours, days, months trying to get this thing going. But I never quit, quitting isn’t in me. I continued to push, no matter how many times customers told me they didn’t like my sauce, every time a store said no, each time a lesser product was accepted before me. I bled, I cried, I laughed, I hated the very thing itself. But then I’d win an award, a customer would tell me how much they love my sauces, there would be victories after losses. There were weeks I was so frustrated and upset I’d just stop moving forward. Well at the pace I usually did. But I never quit. There is always opportunity in loss, what did I learn each time someone said no? I’d go to the next store, I’d ask what I could’ve done better, then 6 weeks later I’d go back and try again, I usually got nos but here 5 years later they’ve turned into yes. Sure there are times that those losses feel like the end or like you can’t crawl back from where you were. DON’T STOP! DON’T QUIT! Keep pushing forward, keep taking action. Yes recently I’ve gone through some shit I managed to dig my own hole, but you know what? I got my head right and I’m back on track, I took the risk, I made the mistake, I had a loss. But after every loss there is a victory.  I’m working full time, the hot sauce is swinging back into summer shape, and I’m not loosing my house. Yes for a minute it was all a huge loss, I took a risk most people will never have the guts to try, but I took it! Yes I sat back and wallowed in my own woes. Again, I tell you I am a fortunate man, maybe it is easy for me to get a job, save my house, and get my business back to basics. Or maybe, and this is what I think; I have surrounded myself with people who truly care, I have showed up and been there for them so when I needed it most they showed up for me. I am a fortunate man, I will not forget that, and as I continue to re-grasp my footing I’ll keep working hard to be better.

No matter how screwed you think you are, don’t wait to the last minute to make a change make it now, if there is something to be learned from my experience? Don’t wait till tomorrow, do your due diligence and ask for help. When experiencing a loss, stop and think about how to turn it into a win in the next match. There is always hope and always a way to set right what was once wrong. Take my word for it, one foot in front of the other, ask for help and run your crazy ideas by someone before taking action. Then take action and chase the dreams you set in front of you.

Thank you for listening to the ramblings. I love you and know that you are special and wonderful just the way you are.

All the best and happy cooking.

The Ego Trip: A journey of self will run riot.

The Ego Trip:

So I want to share this with y’all because well; if you are in the same place I was you maybe able to gain some hope or learn from my experience.

As you may or most likely, may not know, I own a hot sauce company. NW Elixirs is the name of the brand and it is an amazing product. From the packaging to the content, my sauces are award winning, I can say that because I have the trophies. Funny that I’d start this post with that statement. The Ego Trip was born just about July, 2015. I had recently been shown on the Food Network Show; “Chopped.” It was an amazing experience that took me and my ego for one hell of a ride. Immediately I was if anything else consumed with my instant “fame” although the fame part was short lived it was enough to get NW Elixirs off and running, with the company showing signs of success I made the decision to go after it full time. You’re right, sounds like the logical choice to make, however you are probably not on the Ego Trip.

While going full time into the hot sauce and rolling in the PO’s (purchase orders) and online inquiries it seemed like the perfect storm to get NW Elixirs into the next level of success, however, I was already in the driver seat, I was already full throttle on the gas and in “control” of the “Ego Trip” this was the perfect opportunity for me to rest on my laurels and let the company cruise. That thinking helped me to sit back and go to neutral, all the work I had been doing, the endless nights, the sleepless mornings, the pepper coughs. Those days were behind me, I was on top. And the the trip was in full swing. I let the reins go and sat back to watch my hard work start to fall apart. All the effort was gone because I was in the driver seat fully consumed by the trip.

By October, 2015 the company was still in full swing and making money, I was paying my bills, I was going on dates, I was playing rugby, I was spending time with family, I was saving money, it was all coming together. The holidays rolled in and as it is with most small businesses the cash flow went slow, the company needed cash and fast, so I pulled some of my savings and put my paycheck on hold, because that is what a responsible CEO would do. I knew the money would come back in after the holidays and I’d get paid back and be back into the driver’s seat. Well turns out that it took longer than I assumed for the company to pay me back, however I still stayed full throttle, I still stayed in the trip, I kept the appearances. I never asked for help or shared with anyone what was really going on. I kept the appearances, because I knew it would all be okay. I was right, the money came back, and even though I was a little behind on my mortgage, electricity, water, cable, phone, and anything else that wasn’t “fun” I made an effort to make everyone whole again. And I did. I saw a bit of the problem coming in February and made some choices ON MY OWN to help get the company back into production. Again with a loan, emptied my savings, and put the company first. However it turned out that if you just throw money at something but fail to actually “work” at achieving your goals, it doesn’t really help. Everyone tells you when you start it will be hard, it will be stressful, and you're going to have to work your ass off to make it to the top. The problem with knowing all that information? I felt I had paid my dues, I had done the hard work, and I had earned the reward. I could not have been more wrong.

By March of 2016, I was loosing a grip, I was losing the ability to hold off the creditors, I had started driving for Lyft and Uber, because, “I just do it to make some extra cash.” At Least that is what I convinced myself of. I was sure that this would be the solution to keep my appearance up. I was sure that by making $500 a week I would be able to survive. I was wrong. I was so so so wrong. But I was so convinced that everything would come around, the consulting job I had been offered was coming around the corner, the hot sauce company would pay me back and I’d be able to make everything work out just fine. I was so caught up in the act, in the fear, the insecurity of others knowing exactly what was happening. I kept up the appearances and left everyone in the dark, I didn’t look for work because the consulting was going to be here in no time. I was afraid to tell my partner what was happening because I thought she wouldn’t love me anymore, I was afraid to tell my investors because I would be a failure, I didn’t tell my friends, family, trusted advisors. I kept it all in. I was convinced I would be able to fix everything and no one would know the wiser. I was so wrapped in fear of losing face that I stopped working to achieve my goals, I wanted to be the cool guy, the guy that had it all. I was so insecure about what you may think of me that I fell into a little black hole. Yep, the truth hurts, the truth sucks. But you know what? Had I been truthful, had I asked for help, I wouldn’t feel the anxiety and distance I feel right now.

However… There is hope, there is an answer, there is an opportunity to learn from my mistakes. I finally couldn’t hold the appearances, I was bursting at the seems and I had to come clean about where I really was in life. I had to tell my partner I had mislead her, I had misrepresented where I was and that I was in a really bad spot. I had to share with my friends that I was struggling. I had to take responsibility for my actions. I had crashed, I took control of the trip and crashed and burned. All because of fear and insecurity. As I write this, I feel a sense of emptiness, and churning in my stomach and a fear of change I’m anxious, I’m overwhelmed, and I am thinking too much about the future. But you know what? I have the two choices, roll over and give in, or pull my boots up and get to work. Get back into action and get back into the saddle again. Y’all know me and who I am as a person, the decision is easy. However the wreckage is not. The wreckage is deep, the wounds are fresh and it is not going to be an easy road. I may lose my house, it’s close to foreclosure, I not find work when I want it.  But I refuse to just give up, throw in the towel or let my mistakes run my life. I can only let my actions speak for me, I can’t just say, “yeah, it’s all going to workout.” It’s going to take work, it’s going to take time, the work part is easy, I’m pretty good at that. The time part is hard, the fact I’ve hurt people I truly deeply love is the hardest.

I’ve had two interviews with a really cool job opportunity, I’ve filled out the paperwork to potentially save my house from foreclosure and I start a job on Wednesday. I have work for the weekend and should know if I have gotten the job I am working towards. There is hope in proactive work. But it takes time and patience, nothing can happen at my speed, I’m not in control, I can not force the situations, I can only show up and be a part of my own life. I was reminded of this over the weekend. I was fortunate enough to be a part of a celebration of life for a man who played a crucial role in my most impressionable years, as I listened to those who loved Jordan most talk about the man he is, how much he loved, how much he gave, how no matter what time of day he was always there. He never quit caring about those around him, he always worked hard, and people were inspired by his actions. His actions spoke so much louder than his words, and that was made very clear by those who shared their stories and memories. Jordan will be missed but always live within me.

It’s time to go to work, it’s time to take action, no more bullshit. There it is. There I am, raw and wounded. I am good man, with flaws, I’ve made mistakes; today I choose to stand up and take charge of my destiny. I will love deeply, I will show up for my family, I will be an inspiration to my peers. I will achieve my goals and I will be successful. I hope this has been a good read for you and that you can learn from my mistakes. Never close out the people who you love the most, and never hide yourself be real even when it’s the worst you think it can be. Be honest and true to yourself, don’t hide from reality. You are perfect the way you are and if people can’t handle you at your worst they don’t deserve you at your best. Be you, work hard, achieve your goals.

I love y’all so very much.

Mistakes:

What is the meaning of life? Have you ever asked someone that question in jest, but secretly you were hoping they had the answer? Sure, who hasn’t? If you’ve never once pondered the idea that there is a straight line path that you are meant lead then my hat is off to you. I give you credit where credit is surely due. I’m the first person; I’m a dreamer, but I’m also a risk taker.

What if one rainy Tuesday morning you woke up, brushed your teeth aimlessly while thinking of the tasks ahead, then buzz, bing, boop, bleep; your phone goes nuts. It’s facebook, twitter, instagram, snapchat, chatchattwizzledang. It’s finally here!! The answer! That moment so many people have waited a lifetime to experience. You’ve got mail, you’ve been tagged, someone took a picture of you. You rush to your third appendage and find that answer.

“Bob; great news! The son of king… Shit I hate spam.

“Bob; great news! The answer you’ve been searching for… Your life’s meaning. Congratulations on making it this far, you are right on track. Now finish brushing your teeth, put your name brand pants on, then your nondescript shoes left foot first, don’t forget, left foot first. Eat that tasty breakfast, kiss your cat and head on into your SUV you can’t afford. Drive 30 minutes in that shitty traffic you keep asking me to fix and arrive 5 minutes late to that job you hate and keep asking me change for you. Yep you guessed it, I didn’t give you the powerball numbers, someone else needed them more. But good news! You are going to have this job until you’re 65 when you retire and then get a part time job greeting people in a Supermarket Grocery SuperSite Electronics Plastic Surgery Center. They’ll call it “The Store for short.” Nope sorry dude, this is it, this is the life you get, you can’t change this path, you can not change the direction you’re going. There is NO OTHER OPTION FOR YOU!!!”

But what if? What if? What if? What if? No Bob there is no “What if?” There is only this.

I won’t bullshit you, there was a time I really thought that this may be the case for me. I actually felt like I was destined for a very specific line; a direct path that whatever/whoever was writing for me. Luckily for me someone taught me that I have options; that there are other paths to follow, the only destiny that I have coming to me is the one that I work hard to earn. I truly in my heart believe that I have options. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. A few times now. I have made mistakes, some small, some big, some unrepairable, most innocent, and a couple intentional. I’ve drank myself out of the United States Army only to earn an Honorable discharge, I’ve driven drunk while doing cocaine listening to Motley Crue. I’ve bought rounds for my friends when I didn’t have the money to do so, I’ve bought cars I could not afford, I’ve lived in homes I had no business in. I’ve hurt those closest to me to make people I don’t know laugh. I’ve been beaten in the streets of Germany, I’ve fought the police, I’ve not brushed my teeth or flossed, I’ve eaten breakfast in bed, I’ve walked on a beach holding the hand of a beautiful woman. I traveled to Europe, got arrested in different countries, played the lotto asking god to fix my fucked up situation. I have cried at my dismay and begged for forgiveness. But no matter where I went; there I was.

Now don’t get all pissed off or think I’m writing this to talk about my woes. Because there is so much light that has shined on my life, I’ve been a part of a family they’ve picked me when I fell down, I’ve given my time freely to charity, I’ve seen the smile of newborn baby, I’ve been a guest at ceremonies to join amazing people, I’ve been sober for almost 9 years, I’ve been on national TV, I’ve been in magazines, I’ve started a business from scratch, I’ve stood a good friends funerals, I’ve seen my father recover fully from what doctors said would be a life crippling and slow death. I’ve seen the strongest woman I know find love and live a life she never thought possible. I’ve seen a Mexico sunrise, I stood at the Berlin Wall, I’ve met my idols, I’ve represented my country, I’ve played the game I love for 17 years, I’ve watched a homeless man give his last dollar to mother and her son, “because they needed it more.” , I have hugged my mother, played catch with my father, ran a marathon, drove a tank, fired a tank, earned medals and awards from the U.S. Army, I’ve saved a man’s life, I’ve met my sister, I met my brother, I’ve been to a professional sports event, I’ve seen the Eiffel Tower, I’ve stood at The Empire State Building, I’ve seen this nation's capital, I have “Felt what love really is in what I believe to be it’s truest form.” I am a fortunate man, I am proud son, a caring friend, a loving partner, and most importantly a human being.

No I’m not bragging; if I only told you the bad stuff, I’d be pitied, if I stated only the good I’d be boasting. I’m sharing my story. I’m sharing my experience. I’m trying to imply my hope.

No matter where I’ve gone; there I was. Do I believe there is a whatever/whoever writing my story? No. Do I believe that we are all entitled to a free and happy life? Yes. Do I believe there is something greater than I guiding me? You bet your ass. However! The greater thing, the universe, God, the ocean, a river, the sun, whatever you believe… It wants you to be happy, it wants you to be successful. It’s not going to just hand you a life you keep begging for, it's not just going to hand over the keys to the kingdom and say; “here ya go, good luck.” You’re going to have to work for your goals, you are going to have to work hard, set yourself up to be successful. And not someone else’s idea of success, YOUR idea of success. That greater thing will be there to help guide you, give you doors to open, others to close. You will have the opportunity to make mistakes. You will make mistakes. But good news, it’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end all be all, you don’t have to accept defeat and crawl into darkness. You have the choice. You have the power to be the man, woman, brother, sister, partner, son, daughter, uncle, aunt, friend, acquaintance, teammate, coach, leader, follower, and no matter what; you have the choice to be you.

I’ve made mistakes, but I own them. I have learned from them, I’ve grown with them. But the thing I must remember quickest? I am me, no matter where I go; there I am. I am the master of my destiny, I am the one responsible for my actions, I am the man I work to be.

If you made it this far; thank you. I love y'all.