In the woods Chef is King

To all of my fellow culinary professionals out there and that special group of people they go everywhere with. And by go everywhere; I mean those 4 days a year you get to take vacation, and they make you leave your comfortable cave of TV shows everyone has been telling you about and your co-workers quote endlessly. I mean after all you just want to be a part of the group. That one group that doesn't consist of only restaurant workers a place where your friends are; students, artists, actors, doctors, lawyers, and such.  Why do we always have to be around other cooks, and chefs? I'll tell you why; because the rest of society doesn't get us, we are so special, we only like restaurant people, yada yada... Really we just feel more comfortable complaining about our work around our industry friends, they get it. You will just be offended. Oh and yes we talk mad shit about picky guests, we cook our asses off for them while they are in our restaurants; but once they're gone... And besides when was the last time our business professional friends had days off on Wednesday and Thursday? Yeah our days off are really ass backwards sometimes, but who else would cook your food on Friday or Saturday night? That's right we sacrifice a lot for the public to have a great time.

So for those 4 special days we get to leave our restaurants and venture out into the wild, I have put together a list. This is for our normal friends that would most likely starve or only eat oatmeal if we weren't there..

This is a list for anyone planning a trip that will include a culinary professional.

1.) Is there a gas stove? Seriously, you're inviting a chef, did you think we would cook on electric? If it's open fire pit cooking you're in for a special treat. Have you ever had squirrel slow cooked in tin foil basted with duck fat? What about wild boar rinds? You're about to.

2.) Is there refrigeration? This will determine how much food we will have to prepare ahead of time. If it's ice chests only you better have a big one, deli cups stack nice but they take a lot of space. You should plan on at least 2 coolers for food and 3 for beer, wine, and spirits.

3.) Are there any vegetarians in the group? This is important and while we need an answer you may as well let them know to pack their own food, we will hunt, fish, and forage while camping but I guarantee we'll have packed a lot of protein for the trip. 

4.) What kind of appliances are there? This is for the times that "camping" means a sweet cabin in the woods. Please take the time to find out if there are appliances; we love to show off for you, and the more cool gadgets we have to play with, the better your "wild" camping experience will be. 

5.) How many single friends are coming? If your chef is in a relationship move on to #6. If not; HEY! You know that hot co-worker who is always talking about how they love good food, and would love to date a chef? Yeah that one. invite them! We don't always get out of our kitchens long enough to "date" but be advised we do often break hearts, so be prepared for the aftermath in the office.

6.) How far away is this place? You never want to lead your chef to believe that there is a store near by, odds are said "store" will only have corn chips, double stuffed Oreos, beer, and "Live Bait." Let us know so we can plan accordingly, we are masters of our craft, but if someone forgets to pack the duck fat, pigs trotters, or rack of lamb you are going to feel our wrath. 

7.) Chefs don't make a lot of money, and they are going to spend every last cent to be sure you all have an amazing meal every time you eat; so it's polite to know exactly how many people are coming, this way those last minute additions don't get stuck watching us eat a 4 course meal over an open fire, whilst eating oatmeal out of coffee cup.

8.) How far away is the sky diving air strip? Yeah we're fucking adrenaline junkies so lets get crazy. Jump off a bridge, mountain bike off a shear cliff, hunt wild boar while juggling flaming brulee torches... Who am I kidding if we are going to get peace and quiet we want to spend it with a deep fryer and some new cookbooks.

9.) Don't try and help us. Seriously we really do appreciate that you want to help, but odds are after we explain how to properly dice an onion, you are going to take way to long, become distracted by a wrestling match, and we are just going to do it ourselves anyway. Seriously thank you but stay the Fuck out of our kitchen.

10.) Oh, by the way... You're doing the dishes, that's the rule, if we are going to cook, you are going to clean. We are going to sneak away from the table early and start this process and if you don't catch us in time? The level of resentment will be to big to overcome. And "Live Bait" may become breakfast. But be sure to let us start, if you start before us we may become agitated that you're not cleaning the pans right or putting the tongs in the wrong bin.

As much honesty that is in this list, it really is in jest. I recently had an amazing weekend cooking for a great group of friends and I am so grateful I was able to do so. As a chef I love to cook for people I love. Odds are if you're eating food I've prepared on a trip, or for a special dinner party, it's because you are special to me, and I want to be invited back.